If you’ve read my well-aged blog posts of yore, you might remember that my dear friend Patrick and I adventured into the wilderness of Davy Crockett National Forest in September of the year of our Lord two thousand and seven. It was an easy hike and we planned to spend three days on the trail, but we were fooled into thinking ourselves too capable and we completed the 20+ mile trek in one day. I nearly died of dehydration² and we both suffered from blisters and chigger bites, the thought of which haunts me to this day. The trip wasn’t all bad, and we learned quite a bit about our newfound hobby. We now had enough gear to start backpacking to our hearts’ content. We would take at least three trips each year. We would go to Arkansas, Big Bend, maybe even the Appalachian Trail for a week at a time, and we would go on day hikes between our far-flung adventures.

But we didn’t. What followed was a complete absence of hiking. For the last two and a half years we’ve allowed all of our backpacking gear (which cost us a small fortune) to sit dormant and collect dust. My wife threatened to sell it all, but I kept assuring her that it would be put to good use, and soon. But it wasn’t used at all. Until now.

A few weeks ago, Patrick suggested that we dust off our nuts gear and hit the trail. After some discussion, we’ve settled on a time and place. We’ve also recruited some friends to join us for this trip: Benjamin Patrick Wood, Matthew Scott Tettleton, and Cole Alexander William Joseph Harvey Osmundson³. We’ll hike the Eagle Rock Loop in the Ouachita Mountains of Arkansas in mid-March. This 27-mile trail (or system of trails, more accurately) will take us over nine mountains and dozens of river/creek crossings. We might see some wild turkeys or river otters. We’ll definitely dig a hole to poop in the woods⁴. If it’s cold, we’re going to have a hard time staying warm in our light sleeping bags and tents. But most importantly, we’re going to experience the great outdoors with some of our closest friends. It’ll probably be reminiscent of a movie that I saw in 2005 about friends enjoying nature and each other.

There will be stories and photos aplenty when we return from our adventure. I’ll keep you posted.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

1. I made that up, but it’s probably true. I’m not going to waste my time looking for that evidence when I could be backpacking, writing about backpacking, or looking at porn.
2. That’s an exaggeration, but not as much so as you might think. Besides, any good adventure needs a near-death experience or else it’s not worth my time.
3. According to legend, Cole’s parents wanted to have five male children. When his mother’s uterus was tragically lost in a boating accident, they decided to give their only begotten son all five of the names that they had chosen for the children they would never be able to have.
4. Actually, we’ll probably dig several holes. I don’t want to share a hole with anybody else. Either way, we’re gonna be pooping in the woods.

Today is Canada Day, eh!  To help our northern neighbors celebrate their sovereignty, I’ve chosen a few trivial tidbits to share with you aboot those crazy Canadians.

1. Canada Day celebrates the events of July 1, 1867, when the British North America Act of 1867 unified all of the Canadian provinces under one government.  It’s not like Independence Day in the United States. It’s more like if we celebrated the signing of our Constitution.  In fact, Canadians have renamed the BNA Act to the Constitution Act, 1867.

2. Canada has the second largest land mass in the world.  However, only 33 million people live in Canada, making for the fourth lowest population density in the world.

3. Canadians believe that Santa Claus is from Canada.  Silly Canadians.

4. The United States has invaded Canada twice.  In 1775 and 1812.

5. Canada’s national sport is… lacrosse.

6. Canadians invented the zipper, telephone, electron microscope, Wonderbra,  basketball and Trivial Pursuit.

7. The Canadian flag with the red maple leaf was adopted in 1965.  Before that time, Canada flew the Union Flag (the same one that Great Britain flies).

8. “O, Canada” was already 100 years old when it officially became Canada’s national anthem on July 1, 1980.

O, Canada, we stand on gaurd for thee!

Vaya con Dios, Amigos.
The Judge

In the mean time, here is a nonpartisan advertisement to promote voter registration…

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

I made a mixtape (which is cooler than saying “playlist) for the trip.  It goes like this:

1)      “For Those About To Rock” – AC/DC

2)      “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen

3)      “Wanted Dead Or Alive” – Bon Jovi

4)      “Young Folks” – Peter Bjorn and John

5)      “Roxanne” – The Police

6)      “Don’t Stop Believin’” – Journey

7)      “Simple Man” – Lynyrd Skynyrd

8)      “Sweet Emotion” – Aerosmith

9)      “Blinded By The Light” – Manfred Mann

10)  “Have A Cigar” – Pink Floyd

11)  “The Joker” – Steve Miller Band

12)  “Possum Kingdom” – The Toadies

13)  “Last Dance With Mary Jane” – Tom Petty

14)  “Stairway To Heaven” – Led Zeppelin

15)  “All These Things That I’ve Done” – The Killers

That’s all I have to say about that.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

1)      Donate $5 million to my church and $5 million to other charities.  I would spend some serious effort deciding how to most effectively do this, because donating millions of dollars to a church can be very unhealthy for the church.

2)      Give $10 million to my friends.  This would be distributed according to my estimate of each friend’s net worth over the next 10 years.  For instance, a friend who wants to pursue social work or has a child will receive more money than a friend who owns a house and will potentially be a millionaire within a decade.

3)      Corrective eye surgery.  Is it still called surgery?  I want 20/20 vision for my wife and myself.  I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to wake up and be able to clearly see everything around me before I even leave my bed.

4)      Texas Rangers season tickets.  Make that 8 of them, because I don’t want to pick just 2-3 friends to go with me on any given day.

5)      Start a not-for-profit business.  I have a ministry in mind, but it’s not something that I can reasonably expect to ever realize, unless I come across some serious cash.

6)      Travel.  First, a hiking trip to Hawaii.

7)      Buy a house.  I want a reasonable house that I will be able to afford the taxes on.  For some reason, nobody ever thinks about that when they are suddenly wealthy.

8)      Have children.  It is no secret that I want children.  It would be a much easier decision if I knew that I could afford to raise them comfortably.

This is just a short list of my priorities.  I would also save and budget and be the most boring lottery winner or heir to ever see $50 million.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

This week has seen only slight changes in my facial hair.

• The hair has gotten long enough that it doesn’t itch much anymore.
• A sunburn made me look like a homeless person.
• A few friends have encouraged me to continue growing the beard.
• I’ve noticed that some of these friends also have very unimpressive hair-growth ability.
• The end of week four will be the first day of a week-long mission trip that I am participating in.  Therefore, I will continue through week five before I make a decision regarding the fate of my follicles.

Here is some beard trivia for you:  The gentleman in the picture above is Ambrose Burnside.  He was a Union Army general during the U.S. Civil War.  The unique pattern that he chose for his facial hair is almost the exact opposite of the hair that grows on my face.  The term “sideburn” comes from his crazy chops.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

On to my first baby rating…

Kyle and I were at the Texas Rangers game last night.  Directly in front of us sat a young couple with a baby.  In my estimation (which is usually wrong), the baby was a 12 month old boy.  He was constantly smiling and laughing.  He made a special connection with the beer guy.  Every time the beer guy came by our section, the baby waved his arms and made loud, excited noises.  I think the baby wanted a beer.  Here is a picture of the baby:

Here is my rating of the baby:

Cuteness: 6

Awesomeness: 8 (for being generally well-behaved, happy, and wanting a beer)

Overall: 7

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

1)      Sea Monkeys are actually brine shrimp.  More specifically, they are Artemia salina x nyos, an interspecific hybrid between salina and an indeterminate species of Artemia, created by New York Science Laboratories (hence the nyos).

2)      Sea Monkeys are shipped in their cryptobiotic state (like hibernation, inside an egg-like cyst), which gives them a long shelf-life as long as they are kept dry.

3)      When added to saltwater, the brine shrimp hatch from their cysts.

4)      Sea Monkeys grow to between ½” and ¾” long, which is larger than most brine shrimp.

5)      Sea Monkeys were first marketed in 1957 by Harold von Braunhut, and were given their current name in 1962.

6)      Sea Monkeys are packaged in boxes which are covered with illustrations of human-like creatures that wear clothes and play games.  Sea Monkeys don’t actually wear clothes or play games.  They just float about and eat algae.

7)      Harold von Braunhut also created and marketed other products, including X-Ray Specs and Invisible Goldfish (which were guaranteed to remain invisible forever).

8)      Harold von Braunhut was a known supporter of the Aryan Nations, and even purchased weapons for an Ohio branch of the Ku Klux Klan.  Oh yeah, and van Braunhut was born a Jew.

To summarize, if you purchased Incredible Sea-Monkeys at any time before the mid-90’s, you were indirectly supporting hate-groups, and all you got out of it was a jar full of crappy little brine shrimp.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

Please keep in mind that he had been growing his sad beard for several weeks when this photo was taken, and I am only using the photo to demonstrate the pattern of the facial hair.  It is as if the hair is afraid of the face itself and will only populate the outskirts and under-chin areas.

In my search for a photo of Brière, I found an interesting website.  Check out playoffbeard.com for news about playoff hockey in the NHL.  Fans of the Dallas Stars should bookmark this site for use next April.

Stay tuned for more updates on my disgusting beard.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge

Then there was May…

It might seem silly to be excited about my team being one game over .500 and half of a game out of second place in their division.  But if you think that’s silly, you are not a Rangers fan.

Here are some fun facts about the Texas Rangers this May:

• The Rangers’ record in May was 19-10.  The last time they won 19 games in a month was June 1983.
• The Rangers hit .289, and .307 with runners in scoring position.
• The Rangers pitching staff had a collective ERA of 3.90.  It’s the second time in 12 seasons that they have had a sub-4.00 ERA month.
• In the last two games in May (both wins against the Oakland Athletics), the Rangers did not walk a single batter.  The Rangers have only done that in consecutive games three times in the last seven years.
• Michael Young is taking a 16-game hitting streak into June.  Ian Kinsler is riding a 15-game hitting streak.  Those are the two longest active hitting streaks in the American League.
• Ian Kinsler has stolen 15 bases without being caught.
• Frank Catalanotto (who I may have given a vulgar nickname to based on his performance in April) has 13 hits in his last 28 at-bats.
• Josh Hamilton has 61 RBI for the season, leading all of baseball.  The next highest RBI total is Chase Utley with 49.  Hamilton also leads the American league in hits (75), home runs (14), and slugging percentage (.604).  Those stats make Josh Hamilton the second most-valuable player in fantasy baseball after Lance Berkman.
• The Rangers are tied with the Yankees… that’s just fun to say.

Keep supporting your Texas Rangers in June.

Vaya con Dios, amigos.

The Judge